The Deal

They’re walking all over my house like they own it, and I’ve about had it! The worst part is I’ve caught them in my bedroom going through my private things, and damn near taking off with a picture of my kid. I’m losing sleep, and I’m at the end of my rope. They are the nastiest house guests you could imagine. They’ve left me with only one option. I’m going to kill them.

Every last one of them.

When the warm weather started everyone around town has been having uninvited guest issues. The ants are trying to take over and disrupt our lives. At first the little assholes were only appearing in the kitchen. I sprayed the hell out of everything with bug spray and vinegar. Then they start showing up in the livingroom and bedrooms. When I saw them in the bedroom, it would only be one random ant a day crawling across the bed. I didn’t find trails or any others throughout the day. It was odd, but I figured maybe it hitched a ride on one of the dogs.

Two weeks ago I walk in my bedroom and notice one bastard on the bed, then another, and another. I look all over for a trail, or where they might be coming from. At one point I looked up, and shit myself. Mystery solved– I found where they were coming from. The ceiling. Our ceiling is made of wood panels, and a very large number of ants were trailing along the middle beam. A very large number. So many that the dumbasses were falling on the bed.

I yelled for my husband to get his ass to the bedroom, and bring back up, cause shit just got real. He sprayed everywhere and I washed everything. My daughter yells for me to come in the livingroom while we’re battling in our room. It was an all out war. The ants were attacking the livingroom as well. After spraying, I sprinkled cinnamon in all the floor cracks, and around all the windows, and door frames. I read ants don’t like vinegar or cinnamon, and so far I haven’t seen them again where the cinnamon sits. Unfortunately, I can’t throw a cinnamon bomb up in the ceiling.

Yesterday evening I noticed something on my daughter’s school pictures, that were sitting on my desk in our bedroom. As I get a closer look, it becomes obvious what it is. And it brought a lot friends to the party. A few are on my desk, but an army is above my head once again. We repeat exactly what we did two weeks prior.

Ever since the massive assault weeks ago, I’ve discussed with my husband the possibility of taking a professional approach to handling these nuisances. If it was completely up to me, pest control experts would have already been here. My hubby is not so quick to get them involved. I understand it will be a bit of green paper, but it’s worth my peace of mind as far as I’m concerned. Dammit.

After what happened yesterday he appeared to be thinking about it a little more seriously. But I would have preferred him to get on the phone right then and there. Once something invades your bedroom repeatedly it’s time to get a pest death dealer involved. I had to do something to hurry up the process, and light a fire under his bum. I felt I came up with the perfect idea to persuade my husband. It was time to strike a deal.

I approached him at his desk, and dived right in.

“Honey, if you call someone right now….(wee pause) not only do you NOT have to agonize over what to get me for my next two birthdays, but you do not have to acknowledge them in any way whatsoever.”

(F.Y.I. He is an amazeballs husband, but he has a slight “giving of presents that I really want” block. He also has a “hint taking” block. Last Valentine’s Day I sent him exactly what I wanted to his email. I knew the hint over the head would be sufficient. I was wrong. Bless his heart.)

He’s only staring at me, not saying a word, so I go on.

“To sweeten the deal, I will even throw in our next wedding anniversary. Think about this! You save money! You save time! You save yourself mental anguish about what to get me, or about what to do! No worrying about seeing the disappointment on your wife’s face! No, hearing me say, ‘Oh, it’s fine dear’ with gritted teeth! This is not a joke, this is not a drill! This is the real deal!”


“Huh, how ’bout it? I guarantee you, no other man on earth has been offered such an awesome, once in a lifetime deal. Let’s stop thinking about calling someone, and let’s just do it.”

My husband finally breaks his silence.

“You know, I might call, but not because of this deal of yours. It’s ridiculous, and I’m not going to get into all the reasons why it’s ridiculous. It just is. I think YOU need to just go blog about all this, and I’ll do some research, and see what’s, what.”

(I Sigh…in defeat)


He still hasn’t called…yet.

Perhaps I should throw in Christmas.


8 thoughts on “The Deal

  1. Yippers, hubby sprayed ants while I bitched. Turns out, when you cut the critters off from their nest, they change sex and you wind up with multiplying colonies. Some kinda fun. Call a pro and tell hubby you deserve the gift of your choice. 🙂

  2. One of the best things about living in the Puget Sound has been the end to my own ant wars. Back in the day, when I lived in the High Desert of SoCal, it was a never-ending, year-round struggle. My heart goes out to you, but I have to say “Thanks.” You reminded me of one of the little blessings I seemed to have lost sight of.

    I found a solid perimeter of Ajax around the foundation of the house worked . . . for a little while. Any breach and the tiny, little aliens will find it and attack!

    Good Luck!

  3. What’s also awful is when you go on vacation on a tropical Island, and there they are. I made my husband book another hotel room in the middle of the night when I found them on the nightstand. We literally checked out and 3 a.m. and parked in an 24 hour restaurant to wait for the sun to come up. We checked into another hotel (ant free) that afternoon.

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