Marrying A Man I Didn’t Like Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time #4: Crack Is Whack

In my mid-twenties, there was a time when I was determined to make my first marriage work, no matter what. (No matter how stupid, dishonest, or full of alcohol my baby-daddy was) I was convinced that it was best for our child if we stayed together. When she was still a toddler I had come to realize, us being together was going to be damaging for all involved. But before the end came, I had mentally and emotionally motivated myself into being coupled with this person. And without fail, every single time I was newly motivated, he would fuck it all up, and piss all over my positive attitude. Sometimes literally.

During one incident he urinated all over the computer because his drunk, sorry ass, thought he was in the bathroom. The desk, with the computer, was located next to the bed at the time in our one bedroom apartment. I woke up with the whole scene literally in my face. I didn’t clean that shit up either. I made him do it when he came out of his where-the-fuck-am-I-haze. Good times.

He hadn’t already been in the bedroom either. He, as usual was passed out in the living room, on the couch. Our daughter was actually in the room with me, and thank God she didn’t wake up.

But his over indulgence in nasty, cheap alcohol, all the damn time, was not the only serious issue. What I came to find out, I wouldn’t have even believed if I hadn’t been the one to find the evidence. I came home after an exhausting night working my graveyard shift, and when I got there he was asleep in the bedroom. Our daughter was with my mother because I found out he was still drinking while watching the baby. He didn’t feel it was a big deal since she was mostly asleep. Well guess goddamn what, it is a big deal!

When I got home this particular morning I had to throw something away. (Besides my happiness, joy, sanity, hopes and dreams) The trash was located under the kitchen sink, and it was getting full, so I pulled it out. As I was doing so, I noticed a small yellow dope carrying muthaf***en baggie, laying casually on top. Oh, hell, muthaf***en naw! Yeah, I got a little ghetto. I still do a little when I’m legitimately pissed the hell off. Can’t take the S.F. Bay Area outta the girl, blah, blah, blah.

This dumb ass didn’t even bother to hide it. He never thought crap through. This is why I continued to catch all the ridiculousness he was compelled by demons, or drugs, or brain cell deaths, or plain idiot syndrome to do.

I was nice enough to not wake him up. While I patiently waited like a lion about to kill their prey, I inspected this baggie further to make sure it was, what I thought it was. Looking closely I found white residue. It’s former occupant was most definitely not the sticky icky, or assassin of youth (weed). Just to make extra sure I pressed my finger inside, and slowly touched my finger to my tongue. It went numb and I proceeded to freak the fuck out. Oh shit, what did I just do! Is it in my system? How much does it take to screw with you? Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! I washed out my mouth and even went as far as wiping a dish towel in my mouth. Then I freaked all out about that. Oh, shit! What kind of bacteria is on that damn dish towel! When was the last time it was washed! For all I knew he used it to clean up after doing the five knuckle shuffle. I’m gonna die! Perhaps a wee dramatic and over the top, but eww.

Still I waited. When he finally got up, I confronted him. His crazy mixed up ass had the nerve to A. Deny it was his (Are you kidding me) and B. Deny what kind of substance had been in the bag. I had to say very slowly, using the smallest, and simplest words, that it is mission-ever-lovin’-impossible for him to lie right now. It actually took about three hours for him to admit that he went to a party while I was at work, got drunk (no surprise there) and someone was giving out cocaine, so how could he say no.

First of all, “giving out” I don’t effin’ think so. His whole explanation, actions, and reasoning, baffles me to this day. We separated for awhile after that, but later tried again to see if he could get his shit together. *Spoiler* He couldn’t.


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