A Household Knocked On Their Ass

The best thing about the Thanksgiving holiday are the leftovers. The weeks worth of fabulous real meat sandwiches and grand full plate dinners. This year, my household had a weeks worth of a nasty stomach flu. When I should have been putting together creative new ways to present the same food items to my picky eaters, our house became Chateau Le Vomitorium instead.

My husband’s day of retch-en-ing was the very next day. My daughter and I relived our meal from the night before two days later. I’ll refrain from being too graphic, but I will not be having apple pie for the rest of my days on this full-of-other-heavenly-desert-options planet. It was most unfortunate that I had a piece Saturday night and began my illness at 3:40 am Sunday morning. It was quite a dominate part of my experience. I’ll stop there. Describing it in full detail to my husband and ruining his days of apple pie consumption was enough.

The first few days was a constant fight for the “good bathroom.” Yes, the “good bathroom.” We have two with fully functioning porcelain gods, but one is a bigger room with a working heater, and it has been as cold as a witch’s tit. That little room became our everything. It was our sanctuary and our best friend. Some crying for our mommy occurred in there, that didn’t actually come from the child of the house. (It was me)

By the third day the heaving had subsided, however we were far from healed, but damn we all wanted a fat cheeseburger. We had been consuming massive amounts of Powerade/Gatorade and soup broth, and wishing the Dairy Queen fairy would show up at the front door. With our current luck, if such a thing existed, it would have been the Taco Bell fairy. No bueno.

Cumulatively this house lost 17 lbs. This is not how I wanted to kick-start my weight loss. We gave all of our leftovers to my parents, who were happy to take them. What killed me was the thought of all that food going to waste. Still, even thinking of that mess of food brings on nauseous rumblings. Not only is apple pie on my “fuck that” list, but so is ham, turkey, green beans, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, and olives. I hope everyone is down for a scrumptious homemade Christmas lasagna.




6 thoughts on “A Household Knocked On Their Ass

  1. What is awesome Thanksgiving memory you all will never forget… It reminds me of the time I secured a vacation house in Lake Tahoe… Sounds like an awesome idea right? Wrong! A former boss gave it to me for a weekend long story short his wife gave it to someone else the same weekend… Didn’t see that coming at 2am while my whole extended family got evicted on a sold out Tahoe Weekend… It was my whole first major adult family responsibility thing at 21-22 turned my entire family into beach bums… The whole event changed my life and not for the better but the important part is that I can laugh about it now! If not this Christmas or next year, maybe the year after definitely have that slice of pie again

    • Why were you the ones that had to leave? Something tells me you wouldn’t let that same ridiculousness fly these days. Ew…ooh…oh Jesus, just the word pie is not fairing so well with me.

  2. Hahahaha Kimberlee, Adrianna and myself caught that same stomach flu about 2 weeks ago, sadly the thought of hollandaise sauce makes me gag and to think I just mastered making it. (Eric & Nick will shed a tear over that) Let me add that I called in sick for the first time due to the fear of having to get out of bed and be more that 10 feet from a bathroom. So YES, I feel your pain.

    • Wow. What the hell is going on!? When Robert had to stop by the doctor’s for something else last week, a nurse told him it was making its way around town. I hope once you’ve had it, that it stays the hell away and doesn’t come back for more.

  3. I was starting to wonder what you were going to do about Christmas dinner, but you seem to have that covered. So sorry to laugh at your pain, but it is really your fault. You didn’t have to be so funny about it.

    • If you were able to ask my best friends they could tell you that I have no problem with my pain being laughed at. The heinous should be made into humorous whenever possible after all.

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