Currently I’m selling a few household items on Craigslist for extra cash with the bonus of knowing I’m not attached to all of my possessions like a hoarder. This runs in the family so I like to check on myself from time to time. I’m good. Anyways, even when I’m not using it as an internet yard sale I browse through different states and cities from time to time and thought I would share some of the baffling, kinda funny shit I come across. Also, I recently caught wind of the ad that made headlines about the woman selling her husband under “free stuff” as a joke and that is hardly the craziest mess you will find if you browse it on a regular basis.
– Wanted: Fake Girlfriend: I am seeking a fake girlfriend to attend my sister’s wedding. No pay. Free trip. Lots of free food. Here kitty, kitty…(This either turned out really well or really bad. For all involved. And that “here kitty, kitty” wasn’t creepy at all.)
– Writing Gigs: Heroin Addicts: I’m interested in learning more about heroin. Seeking subjects currently addicted to the drug. Thank you. (The ad didn’t mention pay but unless there was I can’t imagine many “subjects” jumped at the chance. I am also not sure how may heroin addicts are skimming the writing gig ads. They probably should have placed the ad in a more drug addict user-friendly location. But who knows.)
– Writing Gigs: Note Writer: Seeking writer for prewritten custom suicide notes for loved ones, co-workers and Facebook. (What the friggen’ hell! …and for Facebook. This explodes so much wrongness I can’t wrap my head around it)
– Writing Gigs: Blog Writer Needed: Need a decent writer with a blog to interview me to help my business. I know it sounds egocentric and ridiculous, but I figure if someone writes an article about me as if people should give a shit, then maybe they will. Just trying to think outside the box, like all the business gurus preach. Contact me if you’re up for it. (Good for him or her. Nothing wrong with thinking way outside the box.)
– TV/Film/Radio Jobs: Now It’s Modeling? (Name of Ad) So now they call it “modeling”? Its porn kids, and any saggy assed nasty crack head can do it….same with escort service…it’s NOT modeling. Save this space for real talent.
– TV/Film/Radio Jobs: Re: Now It’s Modeling? (An actual ad in response to the previous) So you think ‘anyone’ can do porn? You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t make you an expert on it. And since when does porn ‘ruin a career’? Have you heard of Traci Lords, Sasha Grey, Jenna Jameson? Educate yourself before you open your mouth. (I just loved the passion involved in this heated debate)
– Writing Gigs: Free Story Idea: This story is about an extraterrestrial visitor- The main character of the movie Starman (1984), his Mother. She comes to Earth looking for her grandson and the magic orbs. I have worked on this story for many many years. And given up on it, equally as long. I am happy to give it freely. In the back of my mind, I always had a hunch, I would be giving it away, if someone was interested. If you are, feel free to contact me at the email above. All the best. (This is odd on many levels and yet my heart breaks for this person.)
When it comes to innocently trying to sell items on Craigslist it is asking for the buffoonery to be a part of your daily life. I foolishly thought how simple it would be. List items and wait for people in my area to contact me. Well, hell fucking no, it doesn’t work that way. What actually happens is if you wish to be contacted through email you will receive a massive flood of scam emails. Now if the first contact email was a clear scam I wouldn’t have been as monkey shit pissed. But they mostly sound like a real legitimate person interested in your item. You know, by saying something like, “Hello, I am interested in your item. When can I come by and take a look?” I send off a reply and then I get back this junk.
– Hello, I really wanted your item but my son just crashed my car. Thank God he is okay. But now my car has a huge dent that I have to pay for. I have plenty of money but after this I don’t know. In fact I made all of my extra cash with tips at this website”____” You should check it out. My sister is even doing great with these tips. But only so many people can take advantage of this so please don’t tell anyone about it.
I received about fifty of these word for word. A huge waste of my time. I had to summon a super human amount of restraint not to respond back with, “Suck my nonexistent balls asshole.” But it wouldn’t have done any good.
I did get some real buyers after weeding through all the craziness. But then unnecessary crap kept-a-comin’. Emails saying, “Hey, just call me.” Others offering me quadruple what I was asking if I would give them my paypal account information. Um, nooo. And someone felt the need to send me quotes from famous people. That’s it. Just quotes. Over and over. What. The. Fuck. Is. The. Point.