I have had more flesh on my bones than is socially acceptable since the age of five. Just in time for bloody Kindergarten. Good times. Well Kindergarten at least should be good times for all but it was not meant to be for me. I guess the children had never seen such a little chubby sight before. Poor things. Perhaps I traumatized them. Hmm.
It pretty much set the tone for the rest of my school career and I suppose life in general. Boys/girls that made me feel like a hideous, revolting monster. (High school was so fun and not at all damaging to my sensitive psyche.) Every time I stepped outside the world told me it was not okay to be me. Walking down the street I received drive by insults on numerous occasions. I really couldn’t wrap my head around it. Was it that serious? Was my physical state such an abomination I deserved a verbal raping on the way to buy milk and bread?
No, I didn’t deserve that. No one does. But unfortunately at the time I took everything to heart and allowed myself to get mind fucked. I allowed the world to make me feel worthless and gross. My wish is that anyone else getting belittled or judged can see through the bullshit and the lies the world tries to feed them.
I love that I recently read an Entertainment Weekly with Melissa McCarthy from “Mike & Molly” and “Bridesmaids” on the cover. It was awesome and inspiring. In the magazine she shared a nasty statement from a Marie Claire blogger who said, “So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other. Because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything.”- Just plain ignorant. Melissa then stated, at first she had a moment of weakness where she wished she looked a little bit differently but then came clarity where she said she hoped that person didn’t have a daughter. And she added they are a sad troubled person.- Amen.
I have yo yo’d all of these years and confused the hell out of my body. I’m currently trying to motivate myself once again to exercise daily and make better food choices. It sucks donkey balls. This time unlike so many other times it is only for me. I don’t want to lose the extra pounds because of anyone else. I haven’t been feeling that great. I have low energy and my back hurts. Good grief, I’m only 33. I should be skipping merrily to make the coffee in the morning. Instead my body wakes up pissed the fuck off. My body is screaming at me to start a different routine. So fine. Dammit. I’ll get into more of my big girl adventures later.
Look, if you’re fat, big boned, chunky, thick, pleasantly plump, whatever, as hard as it may be sometimes spot the a-hole with the mouth spewing bullshit diarrhea and don’t let that dumb, mentally unstable fucktard dictate how you feel about yourself. I firmly believe anyone who feels the need to tear down, belittle, insult, judge, torture, bully, another person is in fact mentally ill.
So, to sum it up…
– You are deserving of all the good things life has to offer
– You can be successful in whatever you want to do
– You can find an awesome, loving, kind, beautiful partner in life
– Don’t listen to negative nonsense from neanderthals
– You are not a freak in any way, shape, or form
– You don’t have to be a size 6 to be worthy and beautiful
– You can lose weight, just for you, not for anyone else. Changing exercise and eating habits can be hard as hell, but it can be done.
Now where did my daughter’s Halloween candy go…
UPDATE: Someone has left a comment on my blog that I will not post in the comments but here instead. This is what they say…
I don’t mean to be the insensitive jerk but this is the problem.
“I’m currently trying to motivate myself once again to exercise daily and make better food choices. It sucks donkey balls.”
It doesn’t suck, it is your own choice and motivation comes from within, if you truly want to live a healthy lifestyle it isn’t a sacrifice or hinderence – it is a part of daily life and is an exhilaration to live an active and healthy lifestyle.
MY RESPONSE: This is obviously someone who has never struggled with weight. And I am smart enough to know that weight issues are also mental and emotional issues. These issues are powerful and deep. My struggle started when I was a very young child. I have to retrain my body and my mind. I have to learn to have a different relationship with food. I have to admit to myself I have a food addiction and that I use food in the wrong way. Food is my crack. Do not be so naive that you think just getting up one day and simply deciding and wanting to be healthy can make it happen. The End.