1. If you forgot to feed your kids, husband, dogs and yourself in a 24 hour period, while literally checking what everyone and their mom is doing who are in your “friend” list, and posting clever one liners.
2. If you forgot you even had kids, a husband, dogs, oh yeah and a job.
3. When you write an update on your wall of the site and get a finger cramp from hitting refresh, waiting for someone to comment on your post and if no one does, you feel rejected by the world.
4. If you’ve sent a friend request and sit obsessively hitting refresh. Remember, as crazy as it sounds not everyone checks in to a social networking site everyday.
5. Getting pissed and butt hurt when someone you last spoke to in the 3rd grade doesn’t accept your friend request.
6. When a person deletes their account or some foul beast has the nerve to unfriend you all that goes through your mind is, “Goddammit, now my friend list is smaller!” and “Now that bitch so and so has more “friends” than I do!”
7. If you actually think the number of “friends” in your friend list is significant in someway and validates you as a “liked” person.
8. If you post 10,782 pictures of yourself every week, from every angle, (bent over angle included) because someone once told you that you were pretty. Now you very well may be pretty but this is annoying and the quickest way to get yourself one less social networking “friend.” Especially those god awful in the mirror pictures, along with the half of your face pictures. They do not make you look like a sexy beast, it only makes it seem like you’re trying to cover a deformity.
9. If you post a picture of yourself everyday from the same angle, with the same expression, same everything! (Just fucking stop it!)
10. If you play every and I mean EVERY (I once got a request from the same person in 48 hours to play 10 different games…WTF) mind numbing, mind fucking, life wasting game the social site offers. The Farmville, Cafeville, Whatevathefuckville will give you brain rot. Even worse do not try to drag unsuspecting “friends” into this pointless, boring, ridiculous type of escapism. I do not advocate this in any way, but booting black tar heroin would be more productive.
11. If in place of a phone call, sending a birthday card, or face to face happy birthdays, you post a happy birthday on the social networking page of someone who has been a real friend of yours since the two of you were infants. And you actually feel done and accomplished. No – this is not okay. Admittedly, I am even guilty of this. It must stop. Shame on me and anyone else who has committed this crime against friendship.