Publishers Clearing House, You Are Not My Friend

The concept of Publishers Clearing House is simple enough. You receive an email or envelope through snail mail informing you that you could be the next winner of an obscene amount of money. All you have to do is transfer the “prize” stickers. Oh gosh, really?! But wait! Don’t forget as a courtesy to your new best friend, to look over and purchase something from the long list of mind manipulating products and magazines. Products and magazines your logical mind knows you can live without.

Then something takes a hold of you. Some sort of mental defect activated by the visual “Only 4 easy payments of $7.99.” The same defect that acts up during infomercials and the QVC. I use to ignore the Publishing Clearing House emails, but then I thought, what the heck. Since they clearly state “A purchase would be appreciated but is not necessary to win,” I would scroll through all the merchandise without a glance, and follow all the click requirements and submit. (Not giving it a chance to suck me in with its convienant payment plans, that still equal to overpriced your-husband-is-going-to-kill-you shit) If you haven’t made a purchase right before submitting they lay on the guilt like a starving child with the words, “Won’t you reconsider?” 😦

One day I was weak and reconsidered. It started with two magazine subscriptions. Then it was three plug-in pest controllers, that don’t work as well as promised…shocking. My latest must have is the Chef Basket. One product that combines 12 cooking steps… Yes, please! I’m interested in it as a deep frying companion. The colander use will also be helpful…I mean…I have a few of those already, but I still really need this!

Earlier today I transferred prize stickers without succumbing to the urge’s that have been passed down to me from hoarder generation to hoarder generation. F.y.i. I have never succumbed to the hoarder gene. I will admit I paused at the Country Pig Paper Towel Holder. Head of pig with a bandana, you can guess what’s at the other end, and in the middle papertowels OF YOUR CHOICE! Only 4 easy payments of $4.99. I paused because I thought my mom would like it. At least that’s the lie I’m telling myself.

Well clearly Publishers Clearing House is just another scam (drug) that helps pass the time. I’ve been eligible to win $5ooo a week untill I die for the last 6 months. I’ve been mindfucked into buying needless crap. Some idiots actually think they’ll get rich by transferring gold stickers to a designated prize area, and somewhere deep inside, I suspect I’m one of those idiots.

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