Things I Should Do In 2014

NOT RESOLUTIONS   1. Purchase a purple zip up hoodie. Reason: I love purple. Why do I not have one already? 2. Stop watching the VH1 reality show Mob Wives. Reason: By the end of every episode I have an overwhelming urge to get angry over nothing and punch someone in the face. And to pace around screaming, … Continue reading

Maniacal Musings Part Three

1. In October I came across a television show called, “The People’s Couch” on the Bravo channel. For thirty minutes I watched people, watching T.V., and having exaggerated reactions to reality and scripted shows. It was inane. This show was based on a U.K. program called, “Gogglebox,” which I hope was in some way more … Continue reading

Maniacal Musings Part Two

1. Don’t you hate it when your ex husband asks to live with you and your current husband, because he sucks at having his shit together? I know I do. And then out of the saintly-ness of you and your husbands heart you agree, but then you end up chasing him out like this… Buh-Bye! 2. … Continue reading

Mom, Can I Watch Hookers?

My daughter came up to me yesterday and asked, “Have you seen the show Top Hooker.” Stunned, not believing she said, what I think she said, I say, “Did you say Top Cooker?” Keep in mind she has been watching Food Network a lot. “HHHHookkeeerrrrrr.” Never hearing my 10-year-old say this word before and not … Continue reading

SMTWTFS

At thirty-five years old I’ve become that person. I have one prescribed pill and until a week ago I was doing fine remembering to take it. Then, it happened. What every person with prescription medication fears, “Did I take my medication?” “Shit.” “Did I take my medication!?” It’s thirty minutes past the scheduled time. Panic … Continue reading

The Pancake Whore

- When I’m home alone I still close and sometimes lock the bathroom door. Does everyone do this? What if someone walks through the front door unexpectedly and life as I know will be over. If a crazed psycho runs out of the woods and barges into my home I’ll be safe and secure behind … Continue reading

Random Ramblings Write Day

1. If the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo’s clan had British accents would everything they said make them sound like Mensa members (the high IQ society) to our ears? 2. Has anyone ever really been beaten to death with a dildo as seen in the brilliant movie, “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels? And if … Continue reading

Why Honey Boo Boo And Snooki Are Beacons Of Hope

Ridiculous, over-the-top personas are entertaining to a large number of people. That’s the big secret behind all reality characters fame and fortune. I don’t have any illuminati secrets to share so this revelation will have to do. My point is the universe would not allow such a bewildering phenomena without balancing itself out. With every person … Continue reading

The Grim Reaper Makes For A Strange Best Friend

Rapid heartbeat, can’t breathe, nausea, vomiting, sweating, light-headed, arms tingling, and entire body shaking. Oh shit! What is this?! Sitting up in bed I grab my laptop. Google all of the above. Oh Gawwwd! HEART ATTACK. August 5, 2012  4:00 am My husband wakes up because I start making some sort of whining, oh Lord I’m gonna … Continue reading